Last night one of my childhood abusers popped up on the side of my Facebook page as a friend suggestion.
Well, why wouldn't he? We certainly have enough 'mutual friends'.
My abuser was the golden boy. Everyone thought he was such a great guy. So much so that I knew at the age of five not to bother telling on him because what good would it do? I knew everyone liked him better.
An aunt caught him assaulting me once and told him she would tell my mother if she caught him doing it again. Guess what? She never caught him again so it continued. For years. Duh.
For years the knowledge that someone knew and did nothing to protect me messed me up worse than the abuse itself. As an adult I was told that the reason no one reported it was the same reason I didn't. Fear of not being believed or even being turned on for maligning Mr Perfect. When I was a teen I told someone and since I was in state's custody at the time my parents had to be notified.
It changed absolutely nothing. No one cared.
At a family gathering a week before my 16th birthday I begged my mother not to invite him to my party. Her response was to walk into the room and ask him what his plans were for the following weekend. I spent much of 'my' party sitting on the front porch. Looking back I realize that incident was a pretty good summation of my childhood.
Years later he was busted for messing with another young girl. He served a little time and is now on the sexual offender registry.
Everyone still thinks he's a swell guy. Me? I'm the 'crazy' one.
What do you do when everyone likes your abuser more than they like you?
Crap, my first comment disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe forgiving and forgetting is the cure all everybody thinks it is. It only works if you feel like forgiving, and forgetting is impossible in something like this. You were betrayed by those who were supposed to love and protect you, in a very deep way. The excuses are for themselves, not you, so they don't have to fully face their own responsibilities in the matter. Their fears are paltry in comparison to what you went through. You were a child, and they were adults behaving like children. They didn't deserve the care of you then, and don't deserve you now. They don't deserve your trust or esteem...unless they can feel the depths of their wrongs and be truly remorseful of their actions, or lack of. In your shoes, I would have to cut them out of my life as much as possible, because their existence undercuts every ounce of self worth. I would glue myself together with those who do love and value me instead. And I wouldn't apologize for the necessity.
I would literally have to cut out my entire family of origin, not that there are too many left that I haven't already.
DeleteI once told my mom her friends husband had laid on top of both my sister and I and she called her friend and it was denied. Nothing else was done. Then her boyfriend and my youngest sisters dad molested us for some time when I found out it was both us I told her and she asked him. Thankfully he admitted and he made her call the cops on him. I really don't understand how after she was molested and raped as a child/teen that she could stand there and allow it to happen to us. There were plenty of her friend's sons who molested me and I said nothing as I figured it would do no good. It was only when my younger sister was involved that I bothered. I always had a mothering/protective instinct towards here. Which worked out when my mom lost custody and we went to live with my dad who had never had us but two weekends a month. I had cut ties with most of the people involved and keep my mom at a distance. -Kristin
ReplyDeleteWow, Bill said we had a lot in common and I guess he wasn't kidding. Same situation here, only maybe messier... maybe not though. What I have to do is just kind of delete people who don't know how to be appropriate (on FB) and avoid them in real life. Life is too short to put up with shit like that but I don't think it ever quits hurting or setting off my anger. I know I will never get some people to value me but I have learned I can value myself. Thanks for sharing. It helps to not feel so unusual, although I sure wish it WAS more unusual.
ReplyDeleteForgiving...maybe, if you can manage it. Although I wouldn't recommend it. Forgetting...never. You have to cut off the people who hurt you whether they're family or not. I've watched Pam deal with this shit and have seen what it does to her. It makes me sick. You've demonstrated that you can find people who love you for what you are. Surround yourself with them and fuck the others. You aren't under any obligation to guard their comfort zones. You have very good reason to be angry and in this case I think the anger helps heal you. It affirms that you have value, goddamnit!
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