Friday, October 31, 2014

Forced Out of My Bubble

The funny part about keeping so close to home is that I often forget Evie is autistic. We live inside our bubble of 'normal' and it usually requires some outside influence to remind me. Seeing friends post videos or anecdotes about their kids will often cause me to say,"Oh, yeah. That's what typical 4 years old do." It's just a thing that happens and I don't think much about it anymore.

What's slapping me in the face lately is the reminder that I'm disabled. Yes, I have been on disability for the past 7 years but, like so many with an 'invisible' disability, I often feel like an imposter. All that 'freeloader' stuff starts to have an effect and guilt sets in. Maybe it's really not so bad. I can function, sort of. Living inside our bubble of 'normal' keeps me safe and allows me to mistakenly believe those things.

My eldest daughter is getting married tomorrow and that has brought it all home. I am so excited for her and I know it's the right choice for them. She and her fiance are made for each other and they will have a happy life together. She will be a beautiful bride and the ceremony will be lovely. What more could a mother want?

This mother wants to be 'normal' for a day.

Just one day where I can face a crowd without having to fight off panic. One day of not being so overwhelmed that I have difficulty focusing on what's going on around me. One day of not worrying about everything and, for God's sake, to stop thinking about the meltdown I had in the middle of her 1st grade Book Fair. I know I'll make it through but it will be so damned hard and it makes me so angry that I can't get my brain to behave.


Sunday I'll be back inside my bubble and I have no intention of leaving it again.

Friday, October 17, 2014

No, My Child Is Not 'High Functioning'*.

* Note: I do not believe in functioning labels. I think they're meaningless but my use of them here is to quote and illustrate where too many parents are coming from.

I try not to argue with people on the interwebs these days. It's pointless. That being said, I have found that when I post comments on autism pages there's one type of parent who always tries to start a load of crap.
"You're only saying that because your child is 'high functioning'!"
I am well and truly sick of these people.

"My child is violent!"
Yeah, my kid was too until we stopped trying to work against her neurology and started working with it.



"But my child still isn't potty trained!"
Not saying it's a party changing diapers but did you hate your child for it the first two years of their life? Get past the idea of what is 'supposed to be' and it'll get a lot easier.

"My child is nonverbal!"
What speech my child has is very unreliable and often understandable only to us. If she said,"Banana chickens", to a stranger they would have no idea that she's talking about The Muppets' version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

"And the constant meltdowns!"
Again, my child had far more meltdowns back before we realized what her triggers were. By eliminating as many triggers as we can we have drastically reduced the number of meltdowns.

"And my child requires constant supervision!"
Yep. This place gets secured like it's Alcatraz before I can run to the bathroom for 2 minutes. Is this stuff really such a terrible hardship?!

"We get no services!!!"
Yeah, we don't either. My child doesn't even go to preschool. It's been literally years since my husband and I went anywhere without her.

Don't assume that our lives must be a piece of cake simply because we're happy. The two really have nothing to do with each other. My daughter has her challenges but she also has her strengths and that's what we choose to focus on. This whole 'my life is worse than your life' competition is ridiculous and more than a little bizarre if you think about it. What prize are these people competing for?

 Photo is of an ecstatic little girl in an orange shirt playing a piano in a tunnel. She is also wearing a blue bracelet and is unbearably cute.








Saturday, October 4, 2014

I'm the Crazy One

Last night one of my childhood abusers popped up on the side of my Facebook page as a friend suggestion.
Well, why wouldn't he? We certainly have enough 'mutual friends'.

My abuser was the golden boy. Everyone thought he was such a great guy. So much so that I knew at the age of five not to bother telling on him because what good would it do? I knew everyone liked him better.
An aunt caught him assaulting me once and told him she would tell my mother if she caught him doing it again. Guess what? She never caught him again so it continued. For years. Duh.

For years the knowledge that someone knew and did nothing to protect me messed me up worse than the abuse itself. As an adult I was told that the reason no one reported it was the same reason I didn't. Fear of not being believed or even being turned on for maligning Mr Perfect. When I was a teen I told someone and since I was in state's custody at the time my parents had to be notified.
It changed absolutely nothing. No one cared.

At a family gathering a week before my 16th birthday I begged my mother not to invite him to my party. Her response was to walk into the room and ask him what his plans were for the following weekend. I spent much of  'my' party sitting on the front porch. Looking back I realize that incident was a pretty good summation of my childhood.

Years later he was busted for messing with another young girl. He served a little time and is now on the sexual offender registry.

Everyone still thinks he's a swell guy. Me? I'm the 'crazy' one.

What do you do when everyone likes your abuser more than they like you?

Friday, October 3, 2014

Once Upon a Time...

They lived happily ever after.

The end.

No, wait. I think I missed some parts in there.


Hello. My name is Tamara and this is my introduction post thingy. Most of you reading this will know this stuff but a few of you won't. Even if you do think you are familiar with the material, you should review as there will be a test.

I am a 42 year old woman who lives in Vermont.
I will probably write about that on occasion.





I am happily married.

I will probably write about that on occasion but this won't be one of those 'poke fun at the clueless husband' blogs.

I have 3 children.
I will most likely write about them but I don't fancy myself one of those 'mom bloggers'.




My 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with autism 2 years ago.

I will definitely write about her but this won't be one of those 'my child was stolen from me by teh autismz and I hate my life' blogs.


We're poor. Not 'free lunch' poor. Well, not anymore. We've moved up into the 'reduced lunch' category of poor. w00t!

I may write about that on occasion.

I am most likely autistic myself. I'm definitely an anxiety-ridden blob much of the time.
I will write about that on occasion. 

I have very strong political views.

I will likely not post much about them here. I'm not big on pissing contests.

I consider myself a Leftist Christian.
I will not post much about that here. Again with the not big on the pissing contests.

I swear. Quite a bit.
Mainly the standards. Not the stuff your drunk Uncle Steve comes out with when he's fighting with your father on Thanksgiving.


I have no idea how this site works so I'll probably stumble around here a bit until I get my sea legs. 

Did I forget anything?