The funny part about keeping so close to home is that I often forget Evie is autistic. We live inside our bubble of 'normal' and it usually requires some outside influence to remind me. Seeing friends post videos or anecdotes about their kids will often cause me to say,"Oh, yeah. That's what typical 4 years old do." It's just a thing that happens and I don't think much about it anymore.
What's slapping me in the face lately is the reminder that I'm disabled. Yes, I have been on disability for the past 7 years but, like so many with an 'invisible' disability, I often feel like an imposter. All that 'freeloader' stuff starts to have an effect and guilt sets in. Maybe it's really not so bad. I can function, sort of. Living inside our bubble of 'normal' keeps me safe and allows me to mistakenly believe those things.
My eldest daughter is getting married tomorrow and that has brought it all home. I am so excited for her and I know it's the right choice for them. She and her fiance are made for each other and they will have a happy life together. She will be a beautiful bride and the ceremony will be lovely. What more could a mother want?
This mother wants to be 'normal' for a day.
Just one day where I can face a crowd without having to fight off panic. One day of not being so overwhelmed that I have difficulty focusing on what's going on around me. One day of not worrying about everything and, for God's sake, to stop thinking about the meltdown I had in the middle of her 1st grade Book Fair. I know I'll make it through but it will be so damned hard and it makes me so angry that I can't get my brain to behave.
Sunday I'll be back inside my bubble and I have no intention of leaving it again.
Big hugs...I'm sorry it's so hard because, even if you can't feel it, you are an AMAZING person and an AMAZING mother. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in high school, I was chosen by a teacher to be one of the brides in a "mock" double wedding. I was so mortified, that I wouldn't let my mother come to "the wedding". I knew that no one else could understand my feelings, and there wasn't anything that anyone else could say or do to help me at the time. It was my own private hell, and I faked my way through it. So I do kind of understand, and I'm sending you my biggest hugs.
ReplyDeleteIf you're a freeloader then so are all the rest of us. We all get help from time to time but don't necessarily acknowledge it.
ReplyDeleteYou just have this one hump to get over and then you're home free. I'll be thinking of you.