Monday, January 25, 2016

Who Wants To Cater My Pity Party?

Okay, so it's not really a party. More of a tiny gathering. We need coffee. Cinnamon rolls would be nice, too.

I've had this brain my entire life so I'm used to it by now. Even when it's giving me a hard time it's not usually too big of a deal because I simply adjust and wait for the abilities I've lost to come back. They have always come back. I can easily count on one hand the number of times in my life when I have been this disabled for this long. In the past I have become depressed and needed hospitalization but I'm getting much better at dealing with these setbacks. Understanding why it happens makes a huge difference.

But once in a while it still bothers me because it wasn't that long ago that I could do the things that I can't do now. Facebook reminds me every day with that cursed 'Memories' feature. Oh, look. I took Evie to Walmart. Wait...and made cookies? Then took the kids out for dinner? In one day?

Today I needed to package something up for a friend and take it to the Post Office. I joked about it on Twitter and Facebook but the amount of struggle involved in completing such a simple task made me so furious with myself. Address the envelope. Put the shirt in the envelope. Tape it shut. How hard is that? Apparently so fucking hard that it took me a week to be able to do it.
And I can't even explain why it's so difficult. I know what I need to do and I know how to do it but it's like a paralysis. I just can't.

The trip to the Post Office was even harder. We live in a small town. It's a small building. One clerk available and I've never seen more than 3 other people in there at one time. It should not be the monumental task that it feels like it is. It makes me feel stupid. Pathetic, useless and stupid.

But the issue isn't really about the package or the Post Office today. I know the reason that it's bothering me so much is that little voice in my brain that keeps repeating, 

"If these simple tasks are so much of a struggle then how are you going to manage a con in Atlanta?"

I won't wallow long. I prefer to stay 'shiny'. I appreciate the many blessings in my life and the good things my brain has to offer but I suspect this feeling will crop up many more times between now and October.

Oh, and don't forget the chocolate. We need some of that to go with the coffee and cinnamon rolls. Just don't make it Lindt. They support Autism $peaks.


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